What’s wrong with me?

This post is going to be brutally honest and I’ll probably regret publishing it the second I hit publish and want to delete it but I’m going to promise myself I won’t.  I won’t be doing much editing or I’ll change my mind and not post, so try to hear the message and overlook the grammar and spelling.   Wow…..nice long run on sentence right off the bat but hopefully it gets better from here so here goes.  

Midlife is kicking my ass!  There, I said it.  I don’t recognize myself anymore and the person that now resides in my body and inside my head is a bitch.  You see, I had a hysterectomy a little over 4 years ago and wondered what all the hoopla was about because afterwards I felt great.  I wasn’t gaining weight, I wasn’t going crazy, and I wasn’t unhappy…..but (yes, there’s always a but) I had a great physician and he started me on bioidentical hormone therapy immediately after my surgery.  My compounding pharmacy mixed the hormone cocktail into Cetaphil lotion that I rubbed on my thighs or hips each night and each morning. 

Sounds easy so what am I whining about now, you say?  My wonderful doctor moved out of state and not just to the next state but half way across the United States, so I was left floundering for a new doctor who understood hormones and me.  So far I’ve failed and failed miserably.

Let’s see……hmmm……on June 23rd I’ll be seeing my 5th doctor in four years and since the 3rd time wasn’t a charm and the 4th one was good but he was an 8 hour drive away, do I even dare hope that 5 will be my magic number?  So far I’ve done all the blood work and also the lovely saliva test which I thought would be a matter of spitting in a cup to which I was unpleasantly surprised to find I had to fill 4 vials with spit and it couldn’t be done within two hours of eating or drinking.  This meant I had to write out a schedule and make it difficult on myself to reach in the fridge for a quick drink of Dr Pepper…..which I only did once and it screwed up my entire schedule the rest of the day, but I finally got through it.  

I then called UPS  to pick up my gross spit vials which ended much more pleasantly than the year before when I did my 24 hour urine test for the long distance doctor.  That test had a clear plastic bag to ship your stuff  in with  human urine  written inconspicuously all over the box that was highly viewable through the clear plastic shipping bag.  Ugh….I just opened the door to the FedEx man and handed it over to him without making eye contact then slammed the door and vowed to never order anything that had to be delivered FedEx so I’d never had to see this man again. 

O.k. so I’ve digressed, which isn’t unusual for me these days but I felt I needed to provide some background.   Remember that 4th doctor that was good but too far way?  He gave me implants.  Nooooo not those kind of implants………hormone implants.  Right in the hip he injected one pellet of estrogen and one of testosterone plus he prescribed a thyroid medication, DHEA, and a few other things of which I can’t recall the names, and Lexapro for anxiety.  I wasn’t feeling nearly as good as I did with the first hormones in the lotion base but I was better than I had been in the time between good doctor and not so good doctors.

This is going to be a long continuing saga so I’ll break it up into two or three posts so your eyes won’t cross and you won’t be forced to stifle that yawn….and besides, I’ve had a long day and I just want to sleep.  Sleep?   Did I say sleep??  Ha!!  Who am I kidding?    I can’t sleep which is really wearing on me and trust me, all this rambling has a point and I’ll get there if you’ll just be patient with me. 

In future posts I’ll tell you what’s going on and why I feel like I’m losing my mind and why I stopped taking Lexapro and why I’m being such a bitch that even I can’t stand me…..and why I’m crying as I write this.  

MidLife is kicking my ass……………..