If you’ve read any of my posts, you know how old I am or at least have a rough guesstamite (is that a real word?). I’ve been up front with the fact that I have grandchildren and a 14 year old straggler……my youngest aka Sullen Teenager or ST for short. He really snuck up on me and that’s no beans either. I cried for 2 weeks and I was embarrassed (because of my age) mad and sick……..oh so sick….and just generally pissed off about the whole thing. Why? Because I had the hard parts (or so I thought) over with, concerning my other two children and I was on the downhill slide.
My three older children could actually dress themselves (although not very well, sometimes) and feed themselves, and wipe their own butts and I was seeing a light at the end of the tunnel to an actual life of my own. I wanted to go to law school. I planned to go to law school. Little did I know, that light was only a train barreling straight in my direction. ARGHHHHHH…… o.k. so some of you are thinking bad things about me and that’s fine. I might be thinking bad things about me too if I didn’t know me, but before you load your guns, hear me out on the rest of the story.
About 3 weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I finally went to the OB/GYN and the second, and I mean the very second I saw that tiny heart beating on the ultrasound monitor, all of that anger and fear melted and I wanted this child more than I’d ever wanted anything before. Who cares if I’ll be ordering senior pictures and baby pictures in the same week. Who cares if people look at me like I’m crazy when I say I have a Senior in high school and I’m carrying around a newborn. Who cares if I have morning, noon, and night sickness and still sitting through countless activities in support of my older children. Who cares if I eventually get asked if he is my grandchild. Well, o.k. so I did care about THAT one, but the rest of it, I just had to get over…..and I more than just got over it, I embraced it. I loved carrying that child and didn’t mind being sent to bed to keep from miscarrying. I couldn’t wait to start all over being sleep deprived, changing poopy diapers, and even going through the hell of chicken pox again. Oh God, not chicken pox again!!
Now that little bundle of joy is 14 and he’s smart and talented and athletic and handsome and smart (yes I know I already said that) and extremely talented (that too) and he also hates me. Yes you read that right, the boy acts as if he hates me. I’ve become the thing that embarrasses him the most. I can see it in his eyes and it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure it out when he makes a bee line in the opposite direction when he sees me heading his way. I’ve never had to deal with this with any of my other children. This little boy that I lost my waistline for, the one that left a c-section scar on my belly, I sacrificed my perky breasts to feed, lost sleep over, and loved like I’ve never loved before——hates me.
I know you think I’m kidding and oh how I wish I were.
HAPPY TRAILS, Y’ALL
September 19, 2008 at 12:25 am
Like I said, it’s the age. Middle School Virus. He is supposed to hate you. He’ll be back. (oh and the big secret is that of course he doesn’t really hate you) You’re his mommy!
September 19, 2008 at 12:26 am
Oh and did I mention: What a cutie!
September 19, 2008 at 12:48 am
Well, i could spout a bit of professional BS here, but i expect you’ve heard it before…and bottomline is what SMB says…they do turn into different people when they hit Middle School…even my happy-go-lucky nephew The Mechanic became sullen and withdrawn and seemingly lost all powers of speech…but he’s back and better than before…you just have to wait for it…
September 19, 2008 at 3:31 am
We really went through this with my son. I can’t say it’s ‘normal’ as I only have the one boy, but here’s another parent that went through it. Now that he’s in H.S., he’s back like he used to be, just older. And smart. And talented…
September 19, 2008 at 8:32 am
Oldest Son never hated me, he was just withdrawn and angst-ridden when adolescence hit (it took him a good while to outgrow that, too). I’ve lucked out with The Young One – my “late baby” – who adores me and lets me know it. (I, too, was dismayed to find myself pregnant in my mid-30s – I’d had Oldest Son when I was 20, for crying out loud.)
Darling Daughter, however, spent the majority of her adolescence hating my freaking guts. She loves me now, but we still exasperate the hell out of each other, and she is 21 years old (the fact that she has inherited her father’s “irresponsible” gene and tendency to flee when the going gets tough certainly doesn’t help).
I can assure you that this too will pass. Maybe by the time he’s in High School; I agree 100% with Smart Mouth Broad that a lot of it is just Middle School. Absolutely THE worst time of a kid’s life and I can’t wait to have it behind me FINALLY!!
September 19, 2008 at 9:10 am
So sorry you’re going through this! My kids never acted like they didn’t want me around. The only thing they didn’t like when they were middle schoolers was when I called them “honey” or “sweetie” in front of their friends. Otherwise, they loved me and showed it. That may be because I was a single parent, and they realized how difficult life was at that time–and I made sure I let them know how difficult life was! I talked to them about everything: finances, feelings, school, sex, relationships, everything. Maybe it’s because they only had one parent to deal with, not two.
Anyway, I’m thinking boys always love their moms the most, so your ST should be back to his old self in a year or two. In the meantime, God bless you and keep you strong!
September 19, 2008 at 9:24 am
Oh the lovely age of 14…hardest years I think. I agree that he will come around once he gets out of this stage but I know it still hurts none the less. I was really sick through out each of my pregnancys too…that is not fun!
September 19, 2008 at 9:46 am
This too shall pass.
I remind myself of this more and more often lately. The Boy has not yet reached the age where he hates me, or I embarrass him. And in fact, I’m quite confident that he wont. Truth of the matter is…his father is WAY more embarrassing than I ever could be. WAY MORE.
I’ll be 55 when H is 14. Yikes! I’m quite certain he will be embarrassed of me and hubby, as we’ll be the oldsters!
September 19, 2008 at 9:59 am
ALL: Thanks so much for the pep talks. I worry that this is different from the usual “middle school virus” since his father seems to delight in using him against me as that is the ONLY way he can get to me these days. I hope it passes, I really do. Meanwhile I”ll just love him and keep coming back here to reread all the wonderful things you all have written, when I’m feeling his “hate” the worse. Blogger friends are the best and I love you all!!!
September 19, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Oh, is THAT how it is? F*&%ing ex’s. Honey, let me just tell you RIGHT NOW, that little ploy is going to eventually turn around and bite the WUSSY right in his ass.
Both my ex-husband and Beloved’s ex-wife have spent years and YEARS badmouthing us to the kids, while we’ve been quite kind in our treatment of them. The result? Beloved’s ex has irreparably damaged her relationship with their oldest and is on her way to doing the same with their youngest, and Oldest Son and Darling Daughter have nothing to do with their father at all.
I am soooo glad that I have a decent relationship with The Young One’s father, and let me tell you – it is something we work at, for the boy’s sake.
September 19, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Re: these last couple of posts..i spent 3 years providing support to a client who was going thru a nasty divorce and custody battle with an ex who pulled the same shit with their (insert large number here) kids…Be The Stable Parent…eventually the kid will gow up/move out/figure it out…and then he’ll be back…
September 19, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Jan & Thistle: I hope that is the case but I fear ST is so much like his Dad that it scares me. I guess time will tell, but until then——-it’s hell. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
September 19, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I agree with Jan. I’ve told you before that ST will wake up one day and see what TB (turd butt) has done and he will feel bad for the way he has treated you. Remember the hell we went through with JB?!!! He set out each day to see how miserable he could make me. Just keep being the awesome Mom you are and it will work out.
By the way, what it a “rocket surgeon”? LOL LOL
September 19, 2008 at 10:50 pm
My charmer, a 17-year-old girl, just called me the biggest f****ing b****, which is just lovely. She, too, has a daddy who tells her that mommy is, well, I bet you can imagine some of the things he says. At this point, it’s not that I don’t care, because it aches, but it’s her decision to believe slime or me, the lovely mother who handmade all baby food and drove her everywhere and read to her and taughter her by my example and words. Did I say that she wants to be a writer! (Certainly not like daddy, the lawyer) Ha! They might not desert us as much as we think.
September 20, 2008 at 3:39 am
Hi slices, I was 40 when I had my youngest,he’s almost 12 now and also at the awkward stage, while I am in , or approaching Menopause so both him and me are at an “awkward” stage. all I can say is keep loving him, be there for him,and when you feel like throttling him, come on here and let off steam we have to help each other.Children are a gift from God, even when you think it’s the booby prize at times,it’ll work out.;-)
September 20, 2008 at 8:02 am
Girlie, Darling Daughter is her father with a vagina, it’s a simple as that. But she still refuses to have anything to do with him.
That did take a long time, though, much longer than it took Oldest Son. She hung on to the “Daddy’s Little Girl” myth of her life for quite some time before she realized that how he treats everyone extends to her as well. These days, when she really needs something, or needs someone to talk to, or anything at all, it’s me she calls, or her older brother. It’s me us depends on.
Laura is right – the don’t desert us as much as we think.
September 21, 2008 at 10:21 am
I can see you are really hurting from this. I have no personal experience with an EX so I hesitate to comment….again. Just know that you are in my prayers. OK, I’ll comment anyway (because sometimes I just can’t shut my mouth-hence the name) Just be the same loving mother you have always been and eventually he will see you, appreciate you and embrace you again. And the EX, he will see him too…for all the manipulative brainwashing he has done.
September 21, 2008 at 9:47 pm
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September 22, 2008 at 9:09 am
Can STILL feel your hurt. So sorry. My childrens’ father still bad-mouths me, and we’ve been divorced 10 years. My son has a relationship with him, and refuses to listen when the ex starts on me. My daughter calls him “the sperm donor.” He is missing out on knowing them. With all that said, it doesn’t really help your on-going situation. I, too, would encourage you to continue to be there, love him, and resist the urge to talk about/strangle your ex. (((prayers sent your way)))
September 22, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Slices, so sorry to hear of your anguish! Just be strong and continue loving your son. Eventually he’ll mature, see through the crap your ex is dishing and fully embrace your love. Virtual hugs to you!
September 23, 2008 at 9:23 am
Midlife–we should get together some time…..don’t know when, but let’s make some definite plans.