One of the greatest pleasures in my life these days, besides being with HBL, is interacting with my bloggy buddies. It’s amazing how close you can get to people you’ve never met. I feel like I can say almost anything here and most people no one will judge me and I’ll have the support I need when I feel I can’t hold myself upright any longer. That time is right now.
If you came here looking for my usual goofiness, I’m sorry to disappoint but I’ve got something heavy on my heart and I need to unload. Move along if it’s fun you want, and come back tomorrow when things should be back to normal. This post will explain a little of what I touched on in this post.
My oldest son is about to turn 33. He’s one of the most caring, honest, and hard working individuals I’ve ever known. He’s a great big guy (not fat)…..a great big softie. In fact, that’s what we’ll call him today……Big Softie aka BS.
BS has always excelled in sports, shoots competitively, rides his Harley and has worked hard and been responsible with money all his life, and is the type of guy that would do anything for anyone. He once risked his life to save the life of a stranger by pulling him out of a burning vehicle only seconds before it was completely engulfed in flames. The man he saved was an Air Force pilot on his way to report to active duty, when a car passed a truck and hit this man head on. This pilot and his family and friends, credit BS for saving his life and have done so in several print media interviews. That’s a little of the positive background on BS, but as you’ve already guessed, there’s a negative side as well. BS has low self esteem from years of trying to please an unpleasing father. The same unpleasant man who made my life hell for all those years of abuse. BS’s father only feels like a real man by knocking others down and stepping all over them which is what he did to BS all his life. It took BS until he was almost 30 to figure this out and cut off ties but by then the emotional damage was done.
About 11 years ago, BS married a woman almost 5 years older. For the sake of anonymity I’ll call her Snarly Girl aka SG. Can you guess the personality of SG? I figure you can, and she fit the name a hundred percent. She did not address BS in nice manner, no matter who was listening no matter what was going on around her. Her best friend would tell me (in front of SG) that it made her sick to her stomach to hear SG talk to BS, whether on the phone or in person. SG would shrug it off like she didn’t care what anyone thought, and obviously she didn’t.
SG has this family that is nothing but constant trouble. Her brothers are pretty much losers. One has been in and out of jail for drugs and pretty much anyone that has any horse tack stolen or machinery of any kind, points a finger at him and he’s usually the culprit. The other brother is just plain lazy and their mother supports the whole bunch, except SG. SG did whatever she could to please her Mom & brothers to the point of taking from BS to give to them. SG was taking BS’s money and handing it to her worthless brothers and not paying their own bills, therefore leaving BS to clean up after her.
To sort of make a long story a little shorter, my son put up with this crap for over 10 years and finally had enough and told her he wanted a divorce. BS is a very private person and would die if he knew I was telling this and told me as little as possible during the whole breakup ordeal. The most he would say is “Mom, after almost 11 years I’ve realized I’ll never have anything if I stay married to [SG] and I can’t continue to live this way.” He had finally taken a look at their bank statements from January through July and found out they’d paid almost $5000.00 in overdraft charges. OVERDRAFT CHARGES……BANK FEES. On top of that, she wasn’t paying the house payment, car payment or the utilities. He worked his butt off for very long hours and would hand his check to to her and she was responsible for paying the bills and had plenty of money to do so. She was paying late and paying just enough that BS wasn’t being alerted to how dire the situation was becoming.
A few times they’d get their cell phones turned off or get behind on some payments and sometimes I’d help out so they could get their heads above water. It would irk me to no end when I’d help cover an overdraft or pay a cell bill and then find out SG was heading to Cancun with her Mom for 4 days. Never SG and my son, always just SG and her mom because “her mom was paying for the trip.” O.k. that’s all well and good but why was my money going to help the both of them and the Mom’s money was only benefiting SG? I voiced this more than once and it only served to make them stop telling me anything so when my son said he’d had enough, I silently cheer inside. There were no children involved, thank goodness, so once the final decision was made, it was all said and done in less than 2 weeks.
He got the house and car (that he was already making the payments for) as well as all the debt and agreed to pay her a lump sum of money. A large sum to him, especially since he had to borrow it all and take on all the other debts including a car she’d bought and was upside down in debt to value.
After a few months, he was getting back on his feet and then he started dating someone. She was 25 and had been married two times already and never had any children because “she couldn’t have children”. I wasn’t too worried since I figured he’d do the rebound thing for a while and it would run it’s course and then he’d move on. She couldn’t have children so no fears, right?
Wrong.
They’d “dated” only a few weeks when she came up pregnant. I wanted to throw up but a part of me wanted to cheer because my son has always wanted children. Talk about mixed emotions. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry but since then, I’ve decided crying is the most appropriate response. It didn’t take long before I realized we had a big problem. She quit her job and expected to sit home, spend money and BS support her. Being a person that wants to do what’s right, he did. He even handed her the car he got back in the divorce because she had nothing to drive and kept making the payments. He’d give her money to go buy medicine and groceries and she’d go blow it at wally world on craft stuff.
She won’t stop smoking. She likes taking pain pills. She’s bi-polar. Yes, she’s been diagnosed as bi-polar by a medical specialist and if you’ve ever been around anyone with this disease, it’s hell. I fear for my son’s life and I fear for this baby’s life. She’s basically holding him hostage with this soon to be born child by threatening to not put his name on the birth certificate and giving the baby her maiden name. He’s about to drown but just trying to hold his head above water until after the baby is born so he can figure out his options. Her family is pressuring him to marry her, but only so she’ll be his problem and not theirs. Her Dad has been pushing BS to marry and even bribed him with a house if he’d comply.
He won’t or I will strangle him.
The baby is due in about a month. I can’t sleep at night for all the fears and worries running through my head. BS is self employed in the oil field and things are slowing down so much he won’t be able to survive much longer. I’m encouraging him to find another job but everyone is out looking for work in this area. He’s trying but I”m afraid he’ll break before long, under the pressure he’s dealing with.
I’m sorry this is such a down post and I know things could be much worse and I know to be thankful for everything, no matter what but I still can’t help feeling a bit responsible for BS being the way he is. He’s got my personality and we break easily and we’re easily persuaded and that’s not the best personality to have when you’re dealing with people that only want to take advantage of you and know how to manipulate your feelings.
If I’m distant. Absent. Not my usual self. Just be thinking positive thoughts for this man who is my first born. He deserves better.
HAPPY TRAILS, Y’ALL ………and thanks for listening.
As You Know……or maybe not.
July 26, 2009 — Midlife SlicesI’m shamelessly promoting this giveaway as part of the requirements to enter. Go visit Margaret but don’t enter, dammit. I want those pans!!
Some of you know and some of you don’t know and don’t care but I’ve been gone all week. I’m going to address your comments from the previous post just as soon as my mind catches up with my body because it is still absent.
x
In other words……I’m back home but my brain caught a later flight and hopefully will be returning soon.
x
HAPPY TRAILS, Y’ALL
P.S. I’ll be doing a lot of “catch up” reading this next week. Hope to visit y’all real soon.